You all think I'm an old stick-in-the-mud, don't you? But wait a second: would an old stick-in-the-mud do *this*?

                     SEASON RECORD: 182-173 (18-17 overall)
                     MONKEY RECORD: 180-175 (19-16 overall)
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Dear All
Sorry about forgetting to send out last week's WoP24. I'd 
love to say that I went out drinking with Jeremy Beadle and
didn't get home in time to send it or some such flummery,
but the sad fact is that I left it on my work computer and 
I had no way of getting it sent out, short of coming into
work again, which I had no intention of doing ...

Those of you who read the statistics section will see that 
I've moved my predictions record to the top of the page. 
It shows that I am just two wins ahead of the monkey. The
monkey always picks home wins, and has been correct more
than half of the time. Having predicted four away wins and 
five draws amongst this week's offerings, there is a fair 
chance that the monkey will take the lead this week.

I should say how much I enjoyed the West Brom - Aston
Villa game a couple of weeks ago. Now that was sport. It
was - without doubt - the lowest quality game I have ever
seen in the Premiership. I don't know if Watford and
Barnsley were ever in the Premiership at the same time,
but if they were, it's hard to believe they could have 
contrived to produce something as entertainingly awful as
this match. 

As a summary, I would say that this game represented two 
misfiring attacks and two misfiring defences contriving 
to make the pitch look like it was made out of porridge. 
My favourite player on the pitch was probably Diomansy 
Kamara. He seemed to evince such a joy at falling over 
that it seems churlish to point out that at one point he 
was through on goal, and yet elected to pretend to have 
been fouled rather than having a shot. The point being 
that Kamara had a one-on-one with Sorensen from about 
six yards out; he decided to dive in order to win a 
one-on-one with Sorenson from twelve yards out. He didn't
win a penalty, needless to say. It's possible that Kamara
is the worst striker ever to play in the Premiership.*

Another good moment was a first-half goalmouth scramble 
(incidentally, there were no chances in the game that
didn't come from a goalmouth scramble) where the Aston
Villa defence seemed to be able only to head the ball up
in the air, which ended with Thomas Sorenson catching the
ball on the line, only to realise that his momentum was 
going to carry him into the goal, and having to throw the 
ball - hot potato style - back into play.

The inability of both teams to do any of the basics
properly - particularly considering that I'd just seen 
Chelsea brilliantly beat West Ham 4-1 - caused me to laugh
uncontrollably. I don't think I've ever found football 
funny. Not even those little short clips they show where 
Mark Halsey gets hit in the face with the ball, or Robin
van Persie tripping over his feet, or Micah Richards 
swearing when being interviewed by Garth Crookes (an 
understandable reaction). But this was bona fide
hilarious. I hope both teams get relegated, though.

UPDATE: I just watched West Brom vs Bolton and it was
more of the same. They really are a funny team. Kamara 
missed another sitter. Look out for it next time you're 
watching Match of the Day.

Simon

* With the exception of Ali Dia, who was signed by Graeme
Souness for Southampton in 1996. Souness received a phone
call, apparently from George Weah saying that Ali was his
cousin, and had played for Paris Saint Germain and had 
made 13 international apperances for Senegal.
Souness substituted Matt Le Tissier for Weah in a league
game against Leeds. Ali was slow, couldn't dribble or
pass and was himself substituted twenty minutes later.
Ali's contract was not renewed, and a month later, Ali
was unable to get into the reserves at Gateshead. Ali is
generally regarded as the worst player ever to play in
the Premiership.
It turns out that the phone call from Weah was actually 
from Ali's agent and Souness fell for it. I'd like to ask 
Souness about this in an interview. He'd obviously seen 
him in training and thought "He's good enough to play in
the Premiership ..." Souness should be  flipping burgers 
in some kiosk because of this.
Dia is now studying Business Administration at 
Northumberland University.

To unsubscribe, send a blank email to 
jetfromgladiators@yahoo.com with 'Unsubscribe' in the 
subject line.

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#IT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD

Usually I'm quite suspicious of people who use the phrase
"It's political correctness gone mad!"  Its traditional 
use is by the sort of folk who want to call black people 
'darkie', and then defend it by saying "Well Tom here 
doesn't seem to mind when we call him chalky because he's
so pale. Is that racist now? This is political correctness
gone mad!"

However, one story from a 'progressive' New York suburb did
make me think of those exact words. A lot of stories you 
read on the internet about Political Correctness Gone Mad
(PCGM) are made up by the right wing. Unfortunately, this 
one is all too true.

It concerns an email discussion list about parenting and 
childbirth. One woman found a hat on the ground, and posted 
a message saying "Found: Boy's Hat". Another list member
couldn't let that go unchallenged, and wondered how she knew
it was a boy's hat. She claimed that the orignal poster's 
remarks were hurtful. The debate continued in scary and 
deranged style for almost a week. 

===============================

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 12:25:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Found: boy’s hat

Hi:

Friday, at the corner of 11th street and 8th ave, adorable 
navy blue or maybe black fleece hat with triangles jutting 
out of it of all different colors. Sorry did not post right 
away.
For older child.

-Helene

===============================

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 17:34:48 -0500
Subject: RE: Found: boy’s hat

Helene,

I’m sorry, I know that you are just trying to be helpful, 
but what makes this a “boy’s hat”? Did you see the boy 
himself loose it? Or does the hat in question possess an 
unmistakable scent of testosterone?

It’s innocent little comments like this that I find the 
most hurtful ...

What does this comment imply about the girl who chooses to 
wear just such a hat (or something like it)? Is she doing 
something wrong? Is there something wrong with her?

Lisa
===============================

The emails are all 
preserved for your enjoyment/disbelief on Gawker:

spat-read-all-the-emails-166214.php>

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#OLD PREDICTIONS

ROUND 32 (7-2)
ROUND 33 (4-6)
ROUND 34 (3-5)

ROUND 35 (4-3)
Arsenal v Tottenham: 1-1 (1-1)
Bolton v Charlton: 0-0 (4-1)
Everton v Birmingham: 1-1 (0-0)
Newcastle v West Brom: 1-0 (3-0)
Portsmouth v Sunderland: 2-0 (2-1)
Fulham v Wigan: 1-1 (1-0)
Aston Villa v Man City: 0-0 (0-1)

###########################################################
#NEW PREDICTIONS

RANDOM EXTRA GAME

#West Ham v Liverpool: 1-2
I believe this will be called a 'rehearsal' for the FA Cup
Final by a majority of news reports, which is extremely 
original. This could be a draw, but I still think Liverpool
have too much for West Ham - especially as they've had an 
extra day's rest.

###########################################################

ROUND 36

#Birmingham v Newcastle: 1-1
Birmingham desperately need a win but Newcastle have 
somehow carved out a chance of making the UEFA Cup. I'd
usually say Newcastle, but Birmingham are fighting 
relegation and need three points and are a home. That's
enough to spring a draw. Hell, they might even win ...


#Charlton v Blackburn: 1-1
Blackburn haven't managed to keep up their mid-season
form and they won't have enjoyed taking two points from 
their last four games. Charlton have nothing to play for
except for a reasonable end-of-season to make people stop
saying that Charlton always lose at the end of the season.
Don't these people understand statistical anomalies? Draw.


#Chelsea v Man Utd: 1-1
A United win would leave the title race open again, but a
draw is plenty good enough, leaving them around 35 points
clear with 44 points to play for. Chelsea will be stung by
their Liverpool defeat, but they won't turn over a United
side that has been massively impressive since New Year.


#Liverpool v Aston Villa: 2-0
Aston Villa are a miserable, pathetic side and I wish they
hadn't beaten Birmingham because, if they had, they'd be
on their way to Southend next season and David O'Leary
would be standing on the sidelines of a top European venue
talking about penalty decisions to Ally McCoist at half 
time*. Liverpool to play the second half with a clown in 
goal and not have a shot to save.

* In other words, he'd have been sacked and would work as
an ITV pundit.


#Man. City v Fulham: 0-0
#Middlesbrough v Everton: 0-1

These next two games are ridiculously unalluring. But which 
one is the more unattractive fixture? Let's find out:

City-Fulham:
+ Can Fulham win an away game?
+ Can City leap over Boro to win that coveted 13th place?

Boro-Everton:
+ How high up the table can Everton finish with a
  ridiculously bad goal difference?
+ Can 'Boro hold on to 13th place and maybe challenge for
  12th?
+ Can 'Boro win their last four games and guarantee Steve
  McClaren the England job (as we know, the best person to
  coach England is the manager whose team is in the best
  form. And is English.)

It's Man. City against Fulham. And why am I going for an
away win in the Boro game? Call it intuition.

#Wigan v Portsmouth: 0-1
Portsmouth need the win more than Wigan, especially as 
Wigan fluffed (that's right, fluffed) their slim chances of 
a UEFA Cup spot by losing to Fulham. I think Pompey will 
pull it off. By my calculations, that makes Portsmouth 
safe. Well done to Harry, who I've been harsh about in the 
past, but who has done a sterling job. They'd better win 
this one, though, because if they don't they might have to 
get a result against Liverpool ...

#Tottenham v Bolton: 1-0
Tottenham look good, lately. As long as they avoid nerves 
they should be able to pick up fourth spot. Bolton, 
Blackburn and Newcastle are all fighting for that sixth 
spot and a UEFA place. I'm tipping Newcastle.

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#ROUND 37

NB. I get the equivalent of 1000 wins if any of these 
predictions come true.

Man Utd          2-0       Middlesbrough
Rooney 29
Saha 88

Sunderland       0-1       Arsenal
                           Pires 30

West Brom        3-0       West Ham
Kamara 33,41,88
Kamara sent off 88

Blackburn        0-0       Chelsea

Bolton           2-1       Middlesbrough
Nolan 66                   Yakubu 32
Vaz Te 90

Man City         0-2       Arsenal
                           Diaby 12
                           Adebayor 16

Sunderland       1-0       Fulham
Stead 66                   John sent off 81

This game is both teams' best chance to break their duck
this year, but knowing how boring football is, it'll 
probably be 0-0. Poor Sunderland fans ...

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#STATISTICS SECTION: SUNDERLAND RELEGATION CONFIRMED

Chelsea can become champions next Saturday if
they defeat Man. United (provided they are not 2-0 behind
at half time, in which case they will require one point
from their remaining two fixtures. United look secure in
second, as do Liverpool in third.

Arsenal hold the upper hand in the race for the Champions
League spot. Two wins should see them take fourth place.

Blackburn have faded, and face a battle to hold off a 
resurgent Newcastle and Bolton, who have a game in hand.

Sunderland have been relegated, whilst West Brom will join 
them if they fail to win, or if Portsmouth or Birmingham
win. Aston Villa are probably safe, but wins for 
Portsmouth and Birmingham would see them looking
uncomfortable.


#LEAGUE TABLE (COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP SCORING SYSTEM)
 Correct to 24 April
   
                                        -- BONUS --               
                  G W  D  L   F  A  GD O  D  L  B   Pts Prm Chg
1  Chelsea (C!)   3 28 4  3  69 20 +49 26 56 15 97  501  1   = 
2  Man United     3 24 7  4  68 31 +37 37 54 19 109 466  2   = 
3  Liverpool      3 22 7  6  49 22 +27 25 59 15 98  427  3   = 
4  Arsenal        3 17 7  11 58 28 +30 30 56 13 100 358  5   =
------------------------------------------------- 
5  Tottenham      2 17 11 8  50 35 +15 19 52 12 84  355  4  +1 
6  Blackburn      3 16 6  13 46 42 +4  21 49 12 82  324  6  -1
7  Newcastle      2 16 6  14 46 42 +4  23 51 11 85  317  7  +7
8  Bolton         3 14 10 11 47 39 +8  23 55 11 89  315  9   = 
9  Everton        3 13 7  15 32 46 -14 23 54 12 88  301  12 -2
10 Wigan Ath.     3 14 6  15 42 46 -4  20 48 10 78  292  8   =
11 West Ham       4 14 7  14 48 52 -4  17 43 10 70  287  10 -2
12 Charlton       2 13 8  15 41 49 -8  19 49 10 78  284  11 -1 
13 Middlesboro    4 12 7  15 47 55 -8  23 48 13 85  274  13  = 
14 Man City       3 13 4  18 41 41  0  20 49 10 79  273  14 -2 
15 Fulham         3 12 6  17 45 56 -11 27 46 12 84  269  16  =
16 Aston Villa    2 9  12 15 39 51 -12 12 50 7  68  230  15  = 
17 Portsmouth     2 9  8  19 34 58 -24 13 46 6  65  215  17 +2
-------------------------------------------------
18 Birmingham     2 8  9  19 28 49 -21 14 50 5  69  208  18 -1
19 West Brom      2 7  8  21 29 55 -26 11 46 6  63  185  19 -1
20 Sunderland (R) 3 2  6  27 23 63 -40 14 44 5  63  109  20  =

Prem = Premiership Position
Chg  = Change from last week

KEY TO BONUS POINTS: 
O: Offensive points
D: Defensive points
L: Lead points
B: Total bonus points

EXPLANATION:
Win = 14 points
Draw = 3 points
Loss = 0 points

BONUS POINTS (only available in the first half)

GOALS SCORED               GOALS CONCEDED
5 goals = 5 points         0 goals = 2 points
4 goals = 4 points         1 goal  = 1 point 
3 goals = 3 points
2 goals = 2 points         FIRST HALF LEAD
1 goal  = 1 point          1 point

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 NEXT WEEK: RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS SPECIAL